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| We are in a stable place now. I'm a little surprised; I never thought we'd get here. But I've never been able to say that I'm soo content. I count my blessings when I remember to, and I know I shouldn't take them for granted. If time could stay still and contain this calmness forever, I wouldn't have to worry about stress wrinkles in the future! That'd be nice.  But I'm not naive. Something is going to rock my world so hard. Most likely, another death of a grandparent. I think I know which one too. BUT life loves catching people off guard, so I'm a little bit scared. But the last time I saw my grandpa before he died, I knew. As I was giving him the last hug that I would ever give him, there were literal thoughts telling me that this would be the last hug ever. The last time I would see his features animated. The last time I would touch him. The memory is too close, too recent. Sometimes I wonder if I've really accepted it. I never went through that whole grieving stage. I think that concerned some people. But really, I've just accepted the fact that he's not here and I'll just see him again later. I don't believe that death correlates with permanence. I'm just hoping that the next time someone goes, I'll be just as prepared. Maybe I just got lucky last time. Maybe that was meant to prepare me for the upcoming ones that may be harder to deal with. There's no way of knowing for sure until it actually happens. Which happens to be a statement that I live by.  I no longer see the world through rose-colored glasses, yet somehow it all seems brighter. HEY maybe that means I'm doing something right for once!  | | |
| I'm a little bit embarrassed that the majority of my posts - since 2006 - have been about boys. Do I really have that little of an existence without them? Maybe I'm just waiting for the right one. Oh psh, whatever. I wrote the following last night (or this morning...whatever) after I got in a fight with my boyfriend. HAHAHA! Yep, another boy. :P The mind of a lonely soul is lost to all except those who seek it. Especially if that soul possesses humility that is detrimental to it's owner's wellbeing. Not to say that humility is wrong; too much of it is. It's unhealthy when it gets to the point that one undermines their happiness to the point of no return. As much as t's desired, people cannot fully rely on others to be the source of their sustenance. That dependence is shed with maturity. So what should a lonely soul do, especially if it's in love? It is unapproachable in its confusion. The only one who can mend it is the only one who dealt the confusion. But does the dealer even want to? Mend it, I mean. I say it's time for this dealer to step up to the plate and not back down for once. She is worth fighting for, you know. There's no mannequin that bears her face; she is as prominent as you. Forget the flaws and the scars, there's no one who will love you as much as she. Um, yeah. Wooo Franz Ferdinand :D | | |
| No need for any formality; might as well just start it off bluntly. Why me?
You could have so much more, but you settle for me. I mean, I barely reach your shoulders. :)
Bad joke, yeah. But really, I never figured out why. Or how. Was it like a "she's the only thing left" sorta deal? Maybe I'm just being insecure. In fact, I probably am. But none of this makes sense; I've never gotten a reason. But then again...I'm not sure why I need one. See why I'm confused? I ought to shut up and be happy and complacent about having you. But can you really blame me for being so amazed? You're so...unbelievable that it took me a good two minutes trying to just think of a word to describe you. See what I mean? Loving you makes me so dumb. It's like you've stolen the part of me that lets me think normally. My thoughts were always pretty incoherent, but you've made them absolutely insane. It's like you've opened the door of a bird cage - the birds immediately fly away and are impossible to catch. You'd probably laugh at my childlike naivety, and sometimes I really do feel like a child around you. I used to pride myself on being some independent, self-sufficient bitchy (sorry) person that could stand up for herself and even someone else if they needed me to. But now, you've got me relying completely on you. My moods revolve around what you say and what you do (I almost started tearing up when you sent me that thingy you wrote to Sam, it was that sweet). You've changed me into the type of person I've always wanted to be. You're such a good influence. Yet I'm so scared that one day I'll accidentally overwhelm you and repel you. In fact, I'm scared of that as I write this. I want to stay with you for as long as humanly possible, because you're just that astounding. I don't know what I'd do without you. I'm in love with you, Edward. | | |
| Good God. Of all days, why is it this one that I suddenly feel lonely? Are my expectations too high? Probably. But can't I at least hope for one day in which I can let them run rampant? One day. Out of all freaking 365 of them. Then again...what am I really hoping for? The fact that I can't even answer that kind of proves I'm being immature about it. Okay, fine. But still..where is everyone?? Rambling. It helps. | | |
| I miss good old simple xanga.
So, this year has been weird. I've been way too serious for my own good. My friends can tell, they're concerned. They don't really say they are, but I get a lot of, "Are you okay?"'s now. Is it that obvious? I'm not okay. I'm an honest person, yet I'm living with a lie. A huge, big, fat, lie. Is there something wrong with me? No, I don't think so. I think I'm just young. Nobody expects me to find someone I'm willing to settle down with at that age, and I don't expect that of myself either. I'm just too scared to hurt him...yeah, so I'm hurting myself instead. Doesn't seem like a fair trade, but that's how I am. I need advice, but I don't know who to go to. I'm scared of their judgements. Suffice to say, I'm a pretty scared person. HAH.
I don't get my math homework. :( | | |
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