KoTToN_KaNDeE91's Xanga

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Thu, 16 Jul 2009 07:32:40 GMT

We are in a stable place now. I'm a little surprised; I never thought we'd get here. But I've never been able to say that I'm soo content. I count my blessings when I remember to, and I know I shouldn't take them for granted. If time could stay still and contain this calmness forever, I wouldn't have to worry about stress wrinkles in the future! That'd be nice.

But I'm not naive. Something is going to rock my world so hard. Most likely, another death of a grandparent. I think I know which one too. BUT life loves catching people off guard, so I'm a little bit scared. But the last time I saw my grandpa before he died, I knew. As I was giving him the last hug that I would ever give him, there were literal thoughts telling me that this would be the last hug ever. The last time I would see his features animated. The last time I would touch him. The memory is too close, too recent. Sometimes I wonder if I've really accepted it. I never went through that whole grieving stage. I think that concerned some people. But really, I've just accepted the fact that he's not here and I'll just see him again later. I don't believe that death correlates with permanence. I'm just hoping that the next time someone goes, I'll be just as prepared. Maybe I just got lucky last time. Maybe that was meant to prepare me for the upcoming ones that may be harder to deal with. There's no way of knowing for sure until it actually happens. Which happens to be a statement that I live by.

I no longer see the world through rose-colored glasses, yet somehow it all seems brighter. HEY maybe that means I'm doing something right for once!

Friday, July 10, 2009

Fri, 10 Jul 2009 04:42:33 GMT

I'm a little bit embarrassed that the majority of my posts - since 2006 - have been about boys. Do I really have that little of an existence without them? Maybe I'm just waiting for the right one. Oh psh, whatever. I wrote the following last night (or this morning...whatever) after I got in a fight with my boyfriend. HAHAHA! Yep, another boy. :P

The mind of a lonely soul is lost to all except those who seek it. Especially if that soul possesses humility that is detrimental to it's owner's wellbeing. Not to say that humility is wrong; too much of it is. It's unhealthy when it gets to the point that one undermines their happiness to the point of no return. As much as t's desired, people cannot fully rely on others to be the source of their sustenance. That dependence is shed with maturity. So what should a lonely soul do, especially if it's in love? It is unapproachable in its confusion. The only one who can mend it is the only one who dealt the confusion. But does the dealer even want to? Mend it, I mean. I say it's time for this dealer to step up to the plate and not back down for once. She is worth fighting for, you know. There's no mannequin that bears her face; she is as prominent as you. Forget the flaws and the scars, there's no one who will love you as much as she.

Um, yeah. Wooo Franz Ferdinand :D

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Tue, 14 Apr 2009 05:30:47 GMT

No need for any formality; might as well just start it off bluntly.

Why me?
You could have so much more, but you settle for me. I mean, I barely reach your shoulders. :)
Bad joke, yeah. But really, I never figured out why. Or how. Was it like a "she's the only thing left" sorta deal?

Maybe I'm just being insecure. In fact, I probably am. But none of this makes sense; I've never gotten a reason. But then again...I'm not sure why I need one. See why I'm confused? I ought to shut up and be happy and complacent about having you. But can you really blame me for being so amazed? You're so...unbelievable that it took me a good two minutes trying to just think of a word to describe you.

See what I mean? Loving you makes me so dumb. It's like you've stolen the part of me that lets me think normally. My thoughts were always pretty incoherent, but you've made them absolutely insane. It's like you've opened the door of a bird cage - the birds immediately fly away and are impossible to catch. You'd probably laugh at my childlike naivety, and sometimes I really do feel like a child around you. I used to pride myself on being some independent, self-sufficient bitchy (sorry) person that could stand up for herself and even someone else if they needed me to. But now, you've got me relying completely on you. My moods revolve around what you say and what you do (I almost started tearing up when you sent me that thingy you wrote to Sam, it was that sweet).

You've changed me into the type of person I've always wanted to be. You're such a good influence. Yet I'm so scared that one day I'll accidentally overwhelm you and repel you. In fact, I'm scared of that as I write this. I want to stay with you for as long as humanly possible, because you're just that astounding. I don't know what I'd do without you.

I'm in love with you, Edward.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Sat, 13 Dec 2008 03:25:12 GMT

Good God. Of all days, why is it this one that I suddenly feel lonely? Are my expectations too high? Probably. But can't I at least hope for one day in which I can let them run rampant? One day. Out of all freaking 365 of them. Then again...what am I really hoping for? The fact that I can't even answer that kind of proves I'm being immature about it. Okay, fine. But still..where is everyone??

Rambling. It helps.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Mon, 27 Oct 2008 00:04:40 GMT

I miss good old simple xanga.

So, this year has been weird. I've been way too serious for my own good. My friends can tell, they're concerned. They don't really say they are, but I get a lot of, "Are you okay?"'s now. Is it that obvious? I'm not okay. I'm an honest person, yet I'm living with a lie. A huge, big, fat, lie. Is there something wrong with me? No, I don't think so. I think I'm just young. Nobody expects me to find someone I'm willing to settle down with at that age, and I don't expect that of myself either. I'm just too scared to hurt him...yeah, so I'm hurting myself instead. Doesn't seem like a fair trade, but that's how I am. I need advice, but I don't know who to go to. I'm scared of their judgements. Suffice to say, I'm a pretty scared person. HAH.

I don't get my math homework. :(

Monday, August 18, 2008

Mon, 18 Aug 2008 23:53:30 GMT

So I'm pretty much stoked for school. Oh hell, I don't care. Tell me how nerdy I am because I'll agree with you. I'm so excited to see my friends and everyone else, even the people I'm not really friends with. Hehe I've somewhat changed a bit, so I'm kinda excited to see their reactions, maybe hear tidbits of the gossip. It's nice to be talked about sometimes, but it's even nicer to not care if what they're saying is bad or good. The truth is what really counts anyways.

Anyways, I'm really looking forward to seeing how much a certain "friend" has lapsed into a fake, naive, unoriginal person. That sounds very cruel, but I've given her second, third, and fourth chances for her to prove me wrong and be the different, unique, confident, and down-to-earth person that she claims to be. I've given her countless pieces of advice, and she has not considered a single one. For the past couple of months (years, perhaps?) she's been ruining her own social life by trying to win the heart of a successful teen celebrity via AIM, text messages, and barely audible phone conversations. Just recently (by recently, I'm speaking from a monthly time range) she said he's just started actually speaking to her. Wait, WHAT?! Apparently, for two years (give or take) she's been talking to some celebrity without actually talking, unable to truly verify if it's the real deal. Regardless, she's supposedly fallen in love with the guy and the feelings are mutual. Yet the celebrity has a very public relationship with another celebrity. Hmm. Okay, then... That's not even the whole story, but that's where I'm leaving it. It's very annoying to think about.

So I originally came on here to whine a moap about not doing my summer homework (cursed AP classes..), but I guess not.

Oh. And if that certain friend of mine whom I was describing is reading this, sorry if you didn't like what you read. You can try to defend yourself, but those are just my stubborn opinions. At least now you might be able to understand why I've sometimes been bitchy to you..

Off to homework land. See you, space cowboy.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Tue, 29 Jul 2008 21:28:32 GMT

So I've been absolutely alone for the past few days. Well, week actually. I'm kind of dissappointed with myself for not being able to live with it, but honestly, what girl my age could? Nobody really asks for sudden lonliness. It sucks. Then yesterday it all just snapped. My two best friends in the States were leaving within the next two days. My best friend since forever lives in the Philippines. My mother was totally mad at me even though I did absolutely nothing wrong. And so yesterday I was at the mall with my best friend her boyfriend. I wasn't planning on being the third wheel because he was planning on meeting up with us too. He was a half hour late and brought his friend and the Japanese girl he's hosting for two weeks. Yeah, he was there. But not really. We hardly spoke and I hardly saw him. That night we talked and I just broke down. He said he would not leave me alone again, but here I am with nobody to talk to but myself.

I'm kind of worried about myself. I don't know what I'm doing or saying. I'm a little bit lost. What do I do? This sucks.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Wed, 26 Mar 2008 22:41:15 GMT

This school year has probably been the best of my entire life. And next year will be the worst ever. I can't wait to be out of highschool and able to live my life according to me. I'm being surpressed and surround on all sides by my mother, who is desperately trying to preserve the little girl in me. Little does she know that she's slowly killing her with her own two hands.

LALAALA. My class is planning to randomly go to Disneyland for Labor Day weekend. YAAAAAAAAAAY!

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Tue, 22 Jan 2008 00:19:49 GMT

I love you. I want what's best for you, and that's probably the least selfish thing I've ever wished for. I want what's best for you, but apprently that's not me. You've realized that though, and I'm glad. One day, I'll be her. I'll be the one you've been waiting for all along. I won't be just some stupid little princess. There's a piece of my heart that you've stolen, but it's filled with determination to change. Then, when you're back, you can put the piece back too. But for now, I'll live with the pain. I deserve it after all.

Friday, December 28, 2007

Fri, 28 Dec 2007 06:20:44 GMT

Pissed off won't even begin to explain how frustrated I am. I make a new friend. Suddenly people start judging him rather than me. "oh you can do so much better than him." "don't talk to him! he's weird!" Maybe I'm just ignorant, but this guy seems perfectly fine. He's completely hillarious and we have a lot in common. He's even offered to give me daily hugs! Okay fine, to some people that would seem weird, considering I just started talking to him, but I adore hugs.

I just don't get it! BLEH.